Dear Journal: Coming Home My Love
Good morning my love,
What’s up with my thoughts going immediately out to be about everyone else...? It feels a bit or a LOT like that’s how I need to move to be loved. If I’m thoughtful of others, they’ll think I’m worthy of love, ugh—-that hits!
What would it be like to be fully free and at peace with my love? What would it feel like knowing that this love is for me, and I don’t need to do anything with it. Damn! that last comment makes my insides squirmy squirrelly...
It’s a funny thing to turn inside and be present with pain when it seems like you can reach out to try and get love instead. I do know that is false advertising, and that the real grounded love comes from nestling all the way into myself.
With that courageously uncomfortable turn inward comes the reckoning that I AM what I seek. I am trying every day to nestle in further. It’s not hard per se, but damn uncomfortable to sit with the tender spots.
I do recall a time where I totally avoided being in. Then was the time where I could look, but then ran screaming away from the horror. Nowadays, I can look and follow the sight path into my body and sit there. Some days, it feels like a white knuckled, bite down hard on the leather strap kind of uncomfortable. Other days, it’s a “breathe baby breathe” tolerable, so I guess progress has been made?
I’m, most days, grateful for my spirit, The Spirit. You have lovingly and painstakingly guide me back to my own inner fire. This fire seems to be slowly, oh so fucking slowly, burning away the facades that I am only LOVE and that which I’ve been seeking has always and only JUST been myself. I Am what I am seeking, and it has always and only been seeking ME as well.... Huh, HHHmmmm?
“Om Namah Shivaya” are words that I’ve chanted thousands of times. It roughly translates as “God dwells within you as you.”
I can feel that I am little by little finding my way back home and am grateful for my courage to make the journey.
All my love, respect, and adoration. I will relish this finally being home and heart broken ALL the way open FREE!; Blessed BE ME!
K xoxo